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January 10th, 2009

01:01 pm - Challenges So, as if dying wasn't enough, I now get to deal with the aftermath. It turns out that I while I did come back, I am not unscathed. There was no way of knowing what effects may be present and/or lasting from this experience. Time is proving to me and the doctors that I have suffered some brain damage. This is extremely difficult for me to accept and I'm having a hard time coping. There is trouble with my vision, memory problems and word-finding issues. These are the things I am noticing. I will be undergoing testing to explore the extent of the injury. After my doctor appointment yesterday, she is looking at me being out of work for months to years. This came as quite a blow to the minuscule amount of self esteem I had left. Not much to do, though, except everything I can to help the healing process along. While the physical effects of this trauma are difficult to adjust to, the emotional damage is much more severe. I have a lot of friends and family who are pouring out their love and support, but no one will ever truly understand what I've been through and continue to deal with on a daily basis. In that, I am alone. Much of who I was previously remains, but I am a different person than I was. I can only hope that some day I am able to change someone else's life for the better because of what I go through now. May I become a spark of hope for someone who struggles. With this in mind, I strive to persevere. Current Mood: determined

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December 21st, 2008

04:10 pm - Life after Death As to what happened... Well, I never fully got over the bronchitis and sinus infection I had in late October. I went through two different rounds of antibiotics and was still sick, so the doctor decided to give me Prednisone, which is a steroid, to help kick this. Unfortunately, Prednisone has an adverse side effect on some people, including myself apparently. It's called Prednisone psychoses. Basically I lost my mind after the first dose, and was no longer thinking rationally. While in this psychoses, I managed to take every other pill I had in the house, drank a beer, put the dog's collar on my neck and the cat's collar on my wrist. My dad found me 2-3 days later in a coma at my house. I was shipped to the ER and then the ICU with very little hope of surviving. The doctor told my parents, that if I didn't pass the last test (I had failed all previous) that they would have some tough decisions to make. In other words, I was being kept alive on life support and would be considered brain dead. My pupils were fixed and dilated with no reaction to anything. The last test was the doctor taking a piece of gauze and touching my eye to see if I flinched. He did it several times, and finally, I flinched. Everyone breathed and there was at least some hope of me being alive, but no one was sure if I would ever be the same. There could have been any number of things wrong; most likely brain damage. From what I hear, I woke up on Saturday, the 13th and they were able to take me off the ventilator and eventually extubate me. The first day I remember is Sunday. I woke up to tubes coming out of every orifice and in restraints. No one had any idea what had happened until I woke up. I was able to tell them that I remembered taking a bottle of pills, but couldn't tell you why. My mind is a big blank from Wednesday until Sunday. It is extremely strange to know that I did that, but not have any memory of it. Not only that, but I would never even consider that a possibility if I were in my right mind. I'm finding it difficult to explain to people that it wasn't really me that made that decision. Prednisone psychoses is actually fairly common, though. Naturally, the doctor made me promise to go to counseling before they would discharge me. After all that, I think I will need it. Now that I know exactly what and how much of the drugs that I took, I am certain I should be dead right now. Through the love, energy and prayers of my friends and family, I found my way back. If you didn't believe in miracles before, you should now. I am one. Cherish every moment you have this holiday season and know that I am eternally grateful and blessed because of you. I know I don't say it nearly enough, I love each and every one of you!! Current Mood: grateful

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November 28th, 2008

05:42 pm - Sick & Tired Have you ever been sick for so long, you can't remember what it feels like to be well? That's where I am. It has been a month now of bronchitis and sinusitis. Let me just tell you it sucks! Sure, I'm getting an unexpected holiday from work, but all I have the energy to do is lay around and watch movies. That got old about three and a half weeks ago. The problem is, now it seems I've been sick for so long, I am depressed. As we all know, depression can lead to more illness, so I'm really fucking happy about that. I went to the doctor today to have a complete physical and discuss why I have been getting sick at least once a month for the last few years. Thank goodness she was receptive to exploring other ideas than the last doctor who told me I simply needed to lose weight.(ass) After the humiliating process of a complete exam, she decided to run a gambit of lab work. She looked at some past lab work on my H & P and noticed some interesting things that no one ever mentioned previously. Such as my thyroid function is actually at the low end of the spectrum and may be playing a part in why I can't lose weight. So, I parted with 4 vials of blood in the hopes that we come closer to an answer than where we are currently. She also mentioned the possibility of an autoimmune disorder such as lupus or rheumatism. While those don't sound like a lifetime of fun, it would at least give us a reason for why my health is so terrible. That would ease my mind considerably! Granted, my stress level is pretty freaking high. I've had lot go on in the last year. Of the five major stresses in life, I've had three. I started a new job. I moved. And I ended a relationship. But I am Super Cami, so I should be immune to this, right? It sounds stupid to me even as I write it. That doesn't even count the other stresses in my life. The biggest one is my career. Being a nurse is NOT an easy job. I am more aware than most that these people's lives depend upon my choices and actions. That is a HUGE responsibility! Most days, it's OK. But there are days when I am so anxious about making the smallest mistake that could cost someone their life. Obviously, not everything I do is that critical but there is a lot of pressure not to miss anything and to be on top of it all. Then I come home and take care of my dog and cat. After that, there's just me. No one to vent to, no one to take care of me. I know, I know. I can hear some of you saying that I need to take care of me. Well, after all the taking care of everyone else, there is nothing left for me to give to myself. So I eat something that isn't good for me, watch something mind-numbing on the TV and drift off to sleep, only to wake up 5-6 hours later and do it all again. [sigh] It's really no wonder I'm sick when I write all of this down and really look at my life. Oh and did I mention the insurmountable debt that I have managed to accrue? Yeah. Being sick doesn't pay. I am missing valuable hours of work (and pay). Not to mention that my job is in jeopardy from being ill so many times. There is just no end! Try to figure this out. If I'm sick, they don't want me to come to work and infect the patients. But they don't want me to call in and not be able to work. So, if you're sick and miss three days, you have to go to the doctor to get cleared to come back to work. But, you missed the pay of those days and you have to pay for the doctor's visit. Not only that, but you have to be seen by Employee Health, before returning to work also. But, Employee Health is only open certain hours that may or may not fit in with the rest of your life's schedule. It is a lot of work to be sick!! Current Mood: exhausted

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November 24th, 2008

11:30 am - Hello? The question is, can you hear me? I am calling out as loud as my heart will allow. But can you hear me? Or am I as silent as I fear? I call because I need you. I call because only you can answer and I don't know how else to find you. Please listen! When you close your eyes and there is nothing but darkness, I am there. See me. Hear me. Come to me and love me. I need you now. Current Mood: discontent

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November 20th, 2008

08:02 pm - I hear you I don't know who you are, but I can hear you calling me. You need me now, but I'm not sure I can answer. It scares me who you are and what your motives are. After the last person who called me turned against me and ruined my "family," it is difficult to be eager to answer the call. But know that I hear you. If your motives are pure and your need is love, I will answer when you need me. Be persistent. Come to me in my sleep. Interrupt my thoughts. I will hear. I know you're there. I just need to know you are the right one. Current Mood: indescribable

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November 19th, 2008

05:00 pm - Stole from others A is Age: 31 B is Beer of Choice: cold and wet C is career: RN D is dog's name: Angel E is essential item you use every day: phone F is favorite tv show: Grey's Anatomy G is favorite game: Cards (any) H is hometown: Leavenworth,WA I is instrument you play: trumpet & piano J is for favorite juice: Any. Not too picky K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Let's see there's a toss up: Hot man, SP, or John L is last place you ate at: home M is for marriage: ah well, no M's for me N is for middle name: Dawn O is for overnight hospital stay: not yet P is people I was with today: no one Q is quote: Be generous with your love. It is never wasted. R is biggest regret: Being sucked into the appeal of credit cards S is sex: not for quite a while T is for time woke up today: 10 U is underwear you have on right now: what underwear? V is for vegetable you like: most everything W is for worst habit: hmm loving people who don't deserve it and expecting them to love me X is x-rays: I've had several. What about them? Y is something yummy you ate today: cinnamon rolls Z is zodiac sign: Gemini Current Mood: bored

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November 17th, 2008

07:45 pm - More As I sit here, I am determined that I want more than this. More than today. Sure, I've got a roof over my head, a career, a dog, a cat, great friends and a family I have created. But I don't have happiness. The one thing I have always longed for, is still not attainable. The One. Does he exist? Or is it all in my mind? I swear I knew who it was and had hope. Now, I'm not sure of anything. I just know that there is more to be had than this. Current Mood: frustrated

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November 14th, 2008

09:36 am - New Holiday I feel a little better today. I am sad that I have potentially lost some pretty good friends forever, but know that I am making the right choices. Sometimes, there's little solace in that. It's Focus On Cami Day. I think I may celebrate that every day. It tends to make for a good day. I know it sounds rather selfish, but someone has to think about me and how I'm doing. Who better to do so than me? As far as the men in my life go? They can come to me. Sure, I'll still chat and hang out with them, but as far as anything else goes; if they want to be with me, they can be the pursuers. I am done with that. It just leads to hurt and being in a relationship by myself. I've done enough of that for a lifetime. No more. I am tired of being constantly hurt by the ones who are supposed to love me most. Random lessons that these people are teaching me: 1. Being extremely sick and flirting with a man you find attractive = being a bitch 2. Caring for someone so much that it hurts when they hurt and wanting them to be safe = being obsessed with them 3. Being open with a friend about messages received = being manipulative, secretive and indiscreet 4. Loving someone unconditionally = a free pass to be used Any other words of wisdom, Dumbasses? Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Dave Mathews Band

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November 13th, 2008

07:23 pm So, apparently I managed to piss off one of my best friends and got reamed for it tonight. What bothers me with this is the complete lack of taking any responsibility onto herself for the hurtful things she has done lately. Thus: She is perfect. I suck. At this point, I am pulling back and away from everyone. All I can seem to do is hurt people when all I want is to love them and have them love me. Yeah, I'm human. I make selfish choices sometimes. But at least I am willing and able to admit that. Others seem impervious. Seriously. Will I ever be more than I am right now. I seem to continually land in the same place. Alone, hurting and without hope of ever becoming more than that. So call me "emo" or whatever the fuck else you want to, but this is reality. Everyone is worth more than I and I am continually reminded of this. Especially if I am close to the person and have let them in completely. Goodbye to (not-so)Hot man and the rest of the family. Goodbye to PC. And possibly goodbye to "the one." Current Mood: depressed

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October 21st, 2008

09:22 am - Astral Travel Adventures (ATA) So, I decided to go out last night and try to find "the one" by means of astral travel. I have been avoiding doing so up until now because my astral travels have most often lead to sexual encounters. That is fun and all, but not how I want my relationship with "the one" to begin. I want to be able to know him and be close in other ways before that subject is even broached. I decided to try to meet him for conversation. I should be able to control myself and have a pleasant conversation. So off I went on my journey. I found it incredibly difficult to focus. Many others were trying to get in to my mind. I sought out Leah for advice. She was easy to spot. In raven form she peered down from a branch telling me that all I could do was to open the gate and offer the invitation. If it was right, he would come. As she finished, I looked up to the sky. A large red dragon hovered in the clouds calling to me. I flew up to meet him (he was obviously male). It then dawned on me, that I am a dragon. I have flown many times, but never thought about what form I took. I know now that I am a dragon. Interesting, considering. So I flew up to met him and we did a crazy mating flight. Definitely a first for me. Then it was over and I was back here. The problem is, I have no idea who he was. Was it him? Was it my beloved? Whoever it was did not feel completely free to share their identity with me. I guess I shall have to be patient and see if we can connect again. The hematite sphere given to me previously changed. It started at the back, shooting light through the sphere until it was completely engulfed. A shining sphere of light. I think I understand. I should have taken time to close the connection after that. Unfortunately, I left it open all night and was visited by a man I cannot be with. Even in the dream/travel things kept happening to discourage our coming together. He is not comprehending that it cannot happen. He needs to take car of the current situation and stop trying to add more complications. Grrr. Needless to say, I woke up rather frustrated and pondering. Current Mood: contemplative

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October 17th, 2008

07:06 pm - Which direction Today has been completely weird. I feel as though I have been pulled in every direction possible. My heart is stretched to it's limits. Between all the random people of my past getting in contact with me, there are all the ones from now. I'm not exactly sure who I am supposed to be for these people now. I just want to be me. But these people need me to be more than that. They need me to be strong and take care of them still. I just want to take care of me. I want them to take care of me. That's never going to happen, though. People seem to think that once you carve yourself a niche, you have to stay in it. If I have always been the caregiver, then I should always be just that. Unfortunately for them, I choose otherwise. But how do you make them see that? How do you tell someone that has always relied on you to take care of them that now, it is over. How do you do that and still let them know that you care? I hurt for the hurt I am causing with this. Growing pains. I did that reading earlier. It confirms all that I already know to be true. Change is upon us. Grow or die. It is a scary concept for those of us not used to change. All we can do is try. For today, I changed. I embraced my inner geek and learned. I grew today. But, not without pain. Current Mood: mellow

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08:52 am - Back on-line I am back on-line and loving it!! I have spent several hours getting caught up with peoples blogs and whatnot already. I am truly loving this new me. I get to be myself and it's pretty fucking cool. Sexy man is back from the dead. Hot man texted me out of the blue. New man texted also. And then, Prince Charming called me as I was going to bed. WTF? Weird shit going on. People I haven't talked to in years are all suddenly deciding it is time to get back in contact with me. It's as though, my personal change is being transmitted psychically throughout the universe and is drawing those I know to me. Change is upon us, my friends. Beware! Go with the flow, or get left behind. Runes said to expect lots of change and personal growth. Pretty hard to argue with them currently. Spot on! I do believe I will do a reading for a friend of mine today. We shall see what is in store for him. Current Mood: restless

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October 14th, 2008

08:13 pm - choices I have spent the last 20 years alone in turmoil. This is no joke. This is not another depression. This is my fucking reality. Everyone says they understand. They say it will all be OK. They tell me that other people have it worse than I do. They say things like "This too shall pass." Well, I'm sick and tired of hearing all of it!! If they love me, if they believe the bullshit they are spouting, why do they never choose me? How is it that a child molester is better than me? How is it that rapists are fine, but I am not? Why are they chosen above me? I can no longer live in everyone else's happy little world. In their happy little family. I am through with pretending just so everyone else can deal with it. Fuck you all!! I am still here. I am important. I am fucking hurting and alone! I have tried futilely to fill my emptiness with people, tried to make them choose me. Guess what? It doesn't work. They still do not choose me. No one does. So, I am choosing me!! Now and for the rest of this life, I choose me!!!!! Yeah, I said I forgave. So what! That doesn't mean I have to pretend it never happened. All of it happened. So, just get over your damn selves and live in reality. No more lies. No more pretending. I CHOOSE ME!!!! Because no one else ever has. And by the look of it, no one ever will. So do not be surprised when I don't buddy up with you. Don't act hurt when I don't be the same doormat I always have been. Will no one else choose me? Am I so fucking horrible that everyone chooses everyone else? I am NOT that strong. I never have been. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT OK any more! Current Mood: angry

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04:39 pm - What if? Well. An unexpected day off. Mandatory low census. It is actually a great way to start the day. Now, I've slept too much, though. Whatever shall I do to fill my day? The blinds are open, the music playing. Only I. I could play "What if?" again all day, but it didn't really make for a great day yesterday. I doubt it will today. But seriously. What if... What if "the one" suddenly realized it and showed up at my door? What if he took me in his arms and kissed me? What if he vowed to never let me be alone again? What if he promised to be mine forever? What if he's not "the one"? See, the game's only fun for so long. Hmm. Current Mood: pensive

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October 12th, 2008

10:35 am - Love Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone actually cared about everyone else? (sigh) Maybe the problem is that I care too damn much. Here's the thing, though, I don't ever want to not care. It's who I am. It is my one defining factor that makes me OK with being me. If all else fails and I lose everything, at least I have compassion. Without love I am nothing. The bad part is: with love, I hurt. As cliché as it is, I just want everyone to get along. Put away your pettiness, your selfishness. Put it all aside and love. Relationships should be an agreement to love together. Not a means to get something you could not obtain otherwise like consistent sex, financial gain, children, or anything else. To be with someone else should not be about what "I" get from it, but what "we" can accomplish together that "you" and "I" could not apart. By accomplish, I do not mean anything material or status changing. But how much more love can two people put out there in the world if they were working on it together? How many more lives could be touched by that love, that union? It is hard to keep up my belief in this reality, though, when so few believe in the power of love. Time & again I get my heart broken. Not just by potential partners, but everyone. Family, friends, strangers. There are very few exceptions. My point is that I get depressed quite a bit. I don't need medication. What I need is simple. I need people to care. I need love. We all do. I give as much as I am able to everyone I can, but at the end of the day, I still need it too. I am human. I am imperfect. But I love. If that's all I ever have, well, I guess that's the best gift and trait anyone could ever hope for. So, if "the one" never figures it out, then I suppose it'll be OK. Sure, it will suck and it will hurt like hell, but I will have loved him as thoroughly as I know how even if he never knows it. And that has to be enough. Love. With all that you are, love. And never let anything stop you. Current Mood: determined

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October 7th, 2008

11:35 pm - normal? Ok. So, I think my body has given up on any type of normal sleep pattern. Apparently 2-3 days without sleep does that. Pretty much a bummer! What a weird few weeks! I swear nothing will ever be the same. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure yet. Communication is definitely a huge factor. Seriously! How is one to know what you mean if you say and do exactly the opposite. Am I supposed to predict that? Are my feelings not supposed to be hurt when reality points to the fact that I was deceived? I just don't get it. So in order for everything to go back to normal, I apologize. But what am I apologizing for? "I'm sorry you are an ass and lied to me"? And people say women are messed up. Ha! Long story short: Hot Man is fucked in the head, but unfortunately still really hot and a part of my life I'm not willing to mess up with his retardation. Then there's Sexy Man. Hmmm... What can I say about him while still being my vague self? He's sexy as ever, that's for sure. Maybe even more so as the days progress. I wrote a new song today. It's for "the one". Someday he will hear it and know. Current Mood: dorky

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October 5th, 2008

03:57 am - Emo Blah, blah, blah, rejection, blah blah. Enough said? Current Mood: rejected

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October 3rd, 2008

12:37 am - Brown chicken, brown cow! Today was OK. Got some stuff accomplished. Not much. Went & listened to Chaz-man play tonight. He rocks! Hung out my "other" family for a while. Got peed on by the baby. Good times! Also had Hot Man call me "beautiful." Got message from Sexy Man. Found out Other Man still alive. All in all decent day. It's raining men! Hallelujah! Haven't heard from other two men on the list. Guess it wasn't their day to check in. Who cares, though! Seriously. I can only come up with so many nicknames for these guys. It's all about "the one" in the end. The rest are just really distractions along the way as I bide my time. Wish I could go to sleep. As usual, not happening. Hopefully I won't have to go in to work tomorrow. Current Mood: hungry

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12:37 am - Vegas, Baby!! Astral travel went as well as to be expected. Met guy, flew to Vegas and got married. Now what? Ok, not really, but could have. Tomorrow promises to be a stuck in reality day with family working on house. Not fun. Humph. What to do, what to do... Wish I could sleep. I could dream of "the one" again & all would be right with the world. If only "the one" could find me on this plane... Too much to hope for probably. Sad. Current Mood: gloomy

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September 30th, 2008

11:46 pm - Sure enough Just as I suspected. Today sucks. I got very little sleep and have lots of work to get done. Not my favorite kind of day. Can I now re-poof? Current Mood: exhausted

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